Trust And Total Power Exchange

I’m watching Bob sleeping next to me and I’m thinking that he still looks great for his age. Too bad he doesn’t allow me to post photos of him on my blog, so I can’t show you how handsome he is. Anyway, to make a long story short, I’m happy to have this rare opportunity to watch him sleep. Usually I’m the one who sleeps in.

Yesterday we went shopping for stuff for our next camping weekend. We also stopped to pick up prescriptions, as he needs an Epi-pen and I need my migraine medication. We managed to fill our cart in almost no time, as I wanted to get some supplies for the winter. Since these supplies included a whole lead of wild sockeye salmon, I asked Bob to pick up the prescriptions while I headed for the big coolers. He agreed and I started to search for the coolers. Apparently, this Costco is nothing but a grease trap that makes customers buy more than they need by moving around departments, sections and aisles.

This time the problem was actually different. After asking an employee to show me where their big coolers were, the guy checked and told me that all Costcos in your neighborhood were out of them. I headed over to the pharmacy to find Bob looking annoyed. He told me that he didn’t pick up our prescriptions, as he had no idea about what I needed. He didn’t know that he only needed to give our names to have the prescriptions.

We hot into the line, bracing up for a long wait. As Bob was quiet, I asked him what was wrong. He must have felt the irritation in my tone, as he told me I was being rude. He was right. More often than not he is very kind to me, particularly when I’m anxious or nervous. He has quite a high tolerance threshold and I’m grateful for that. Nevertheless, sometimes I lose it and my lack of respect annoys him a lot.

I value a respectful relationship too. Like many other women, I take pride in being efficient and very well organized. This is what helps me keep my family happy and healthy. In my previous marriage, I was keen on holding control over everything concerning our home and our family. The advantage of this approach was that everything was done exactly how I wanted it. The drawback was that it made me feel like my husband’s mother rather than his spouse. Without knowing it, I was slowly but surely turning into a bitch. I could be so bitchy!

The truth is that I hate myself when I’m too bitchy. This attitude hurts me as much as it hurts my partner, if not more. Most of you probably think that this wasn’t a big deal. I know it was only a small thing, but I felt it like the beginning of something much uglier. Today I snap at Bob, and tomorrow I turn into the biggest bitches of all.

My belief is that being disrespectful can have a negative impact on a relationship. I should definitely discuss this with him when he wakes up. I love our relationship and I would do anything to nurture it and to make it even stronger. Bob is too kind, so I expect him to withdraw. The last thing I want is to challenge him or to become disrespectful. After all, I’ve decided to give him full power over our relationship. I’m not going to take it back now, as that would be nothing else than pure betrayal from my side. This kind of betrayal is similar to cheating on your husband after agreeing to be monogamous. How could he ever trust me again after that?

The fact is that I have no intention to change the status quo of our relationship. I DO want him to have full power over our relationship. This is something that requires trust on both sides. My snapping at him shows me that I still have trust issues I’m trying to overcome.

What is the reason why I’m struggling so hard with trust right now? Maybe it has something to do with giving Bob control over family finances. This doesn’t mean I don’t trust him to pay the bills or anything like that. And if he forgot to pay some bills, so what? We would pay them and have our utilities restored in no time. I think my fear is that he won’t be able to manage our finances as well as I can do it. I know this is ridiculous, but this is the way I feel and there’s no point in denying it.

On the positive side of things, I love Bob’s down to earth approach to life. However, I’ve worked so hard to raise my kids that I’m not ready to put up with a personal finance mess that would take many years to recover from. I trust him to do the right things, but I can’t stop myself from worrying about our finances and about the future of my children. I strongly want to get them through college without problems.

Now I need to let go and allow Bob to handle all financial stuff for us. I could consider it as a relief, since he’ll be taking this burden off my shoulders to make my life easier. I should actually be grateful, as this is nothing but a gift. I can free up my mind and my time to invest in things I love, to nurture my passions and to discover new hobbies and new activities. Life can be beautiful when you have someone like Bob by your side. If only I could let go of this need to control everything in the house!

I’m keen on trusting Bob to manage our finances. Nevertheless, building trust takes time. Until I reach this point, I probably need to stay respectful and give him time to figure out all these things. Submission is hard to deal with. Besides, it there’s nothing real sexy about it, as I never imagined a BDSM relationship going this route. I’m determined to hang up in there until I achieve the level of trust I need to be truly happy. O know this moment will come, should I have enough patience to hold my horses in such situations.

This is all for now. I’ll have a talk with him when he wakes up. I’ll keep you posted, so make sure you subscribe to my feed to know when I publish new articles.